Tag Archives: dating

[Online] Dating is messy.

21 May

Last year, upon the behest of a few of my friends, I reluctantly created an online dating profile.

At first, the newness of it all was very exciting. Since I hadn’t been dating in the last few decades years, the sudden influx of male attention was exhilerating. I was getting messages everyday from male suiters complimenting me on my eyes, my smile and my “extremely broad taste in film and tv.”

But after a while, the shine wore off. I wasn’t interested in any of the men who were contacting me. The messages, no matter how kind, began to feel empty and meaningless. So I broke up with online dating. Between you and me, I think it was mutual.

But before I deactivated my profile, I made sure to save only the BEST interactions I had with some seriously less-than-stellar matches.

***********************************************************************************************

This gentleman had initiated contact at 10:30 am on a Friday. When I didn’t respond within 45 minutes, he felt the need to follow up with: “No reply :(”

After I failed to respond in less than 30 minutes, I received this message:

He totally didn’t care.

After that interaction, I became decidedly less nice in my future conversations. Take this one for example.

Please take note that neither of these gentlemen currently have open accounts. I’m guessing it’s because they are too busy being in successful relationships.

***********************************************************************************************

And that’s when I decided that online dating may not be for me.

A

Advertisements

What I learned from my mess.

4 May

Hi, my name is Allison and I’m a mess. In a completely unintentional metaphor, I started cleaning up the physical mess of my life today, starting with my closet. Having worked in retail longer that I have in any other industry, I have acquired a LOT of clothes. I should also admit that I have a strange emotional attachment to them. Some items in my closet, despite not having seen the light of day for years, have remained for other no reason than I didn’t have the heart to let go of them.

But today I did it. Without the help of any of my less messy friends (which happens to be most of them), I purged my closet of nearly 40 items.  A tan suede jacket I bought with my earnings from my first job at Nordstrom. A dress from my 16th birthday that was finally selected after enduring 20 hours of shopping with my mother. T-shirts I acquired from races I trained months to run. All things I had a hard time parting with.

Despite its value, the suede jacket had an ink stain on the collar. The blue dress suffered fatal injuries from a freak ironing accident. The T-shirts had never been worn. The truth was, they were just clogging up my closet, leaving no room for better things to come along. It was time to finally LET GO.

It didn’t take me too long to find the obvious parallels between the physical mess I’ve let pile up to the emotional messes I’ve had trouble letting go of lately. Having been through two breakups in four months, this great purge actually helped me organize a few things in the emotional realm as well.

Neither of the breakups were major. The first was actually quite minor on my end. I had known him in college and we spent a month trying to get to know each other, mostly over the phone because he lived a few hours away. Although we got on great in our phone conversations, his actions continued to prove that he was more interested in getting ME to like HIM than he was actually interested in me as a person. The long distance kept me from knowing this sooner, and the dating relationship lasted one month and three hours. Those last three hours were spent breaking up with him.

I went into my next dating endeavor almost immediately. Just a few hours after the epic phone breakup, another guy asked me out. One who I never thought would. And I was smitten with him. Although in the beginning it seemed otherwise, he wasn’t much different from Guy No. 1. He had the advantage of learning from Guy No.1’s mistakes, but still failed to prove that he truly valued me. Before he ended our relationship, he killed it slowly by spending less and less time with me while putting more and more energy into his new girlfriend job. Though I knew the relationship was terminal, he ended it in a way that told me a lot more about him than he ever could.

Over the phone. While I was on vacation. On Easter.

What does this have to do with getting rid of clothes I don’t need? A lot, actually. Even though Guy No. 2 possessed a lot of great qualities (attractive, smart, funny), like the suede jacket, his redeeming factors didn’t outweigh the figurative blue stain on the collar. In many ways, he was perfect for me. In one essential way, he was not. He didn’t make me feel important. He didn’t work to communicate with me. He ended our three-month relationship with a six minute phone call.

So it didn’t matter how ambitious, sweet or cute he was– he didn’t make me feel like I mattered to him. And that matters. So I had to let that go. Like the suede jacket and blue dress, he didn’t deserve to be a part of my life anymore. To haunt my thoughts with feelings of insecurity and insignificance. To fool me into thinking that one day I will find a use for him.

For in purging my life of unnecessary objects, I leave room for much better things.

A